Well it was inevitable. This has been coming from day one, you knew it and I knew it. The signs have been there littered throughout the previous weeks and months and finally today the nerd that I am is going to burst out of the tentative shackles and rise to the surface. That’s right I’m going to talk about Star Wars. You can take that look off your face, this is as much your fault as it is mine, it has been your encouragement that has taken me this far and you must shoulder your burden of blame. Still it’s going to happen so we’d better just stick together and get on with it. You will be pleased to hear that I am not going to tell you anything you already know because as well-seasoned, pop-culture connoisseurs you will already know far more than I ever could. No, what I am going to do is far more revolutionary and fulfilling, I am going to paint a picture of what is happening right now in the lives of the main characters; we’re going to catch up with the recent goings-on of our old friends and discover whether any of them lived happily ever after.
Let me be clear, I am not talking about the principal actors from the movies; their subsequent careers are well documented and it certainly doesn’t need anybody else pointing out that Mark Hamill can’t get on television for love nor money aside from voicing the odd comic book villain in a Saturday morning cartoon. Or that Harrison Ford is now entrenched in an unceasing battle with old age that sees him accept increasingly action-packed and ridiculous roles. Or that if Anthony Daniels was told that he could earn a fiver from turning up at BNP rally dressed as C3-P0, he would shamelessly snatch the job in a heartbeat. No, instead we are going to catch up with Luke, Leia, Han, Chewy and the rest to see how they are doing in these recession-hit times and discover whether the force is indeed still strong.
Let us begin with Luke; at the end of the Return of the Jedi, Luke had played his part in the fall of the Empire and had exorcised some ghosts and reconciled with his father. In the immediate aftermath of the destruction of the second Deathstar, Luke was something of a celebrity. Returning to Tatooine, Luke used his newfound profile to successfully run for president. He then brokered what some call the ‘Desert Treaty’, a peace deal with the head of the Tusken Raiders. Unfortunately, Luke’s political career came to an abrupt end after a smear campaign was launched and several accusations were levelled including an incestuous affair with his sister, collusion with known smugglers and the theft of an X-Wing craft. None of these allegations were proven but it was costly enough to rob Luke of his reputation. Today Luke travels the galaxy earning a handsome living as a motivational speaker. In his ’10 Easy Steps to becoming a Master’ show, he and his faithful hand-puppet “Yoda” pass on their wisdom to the next generation. He is currently single.
Things couldn’t have been more different for Han and Leia who opted for a quieter life. They soon married and had a child whom they named Fly. However Leia soon started to miss her rebellious days and trying to inject a little excitement into her humdrum life took to performing small defiant acts; taking library books back late, not putting the rubbish out for the binmen and cancelling Han’s Sky+ recording of the Pod Racing. This, along with Han’s growing alcoholism and gambling addiction led to their tumultuous relationship ending in divorce. There have been numerous attempts at reconciliation but any hope was lost when in a drunken stupor, Han tip-exed the words “Alderaan was a shithole” onto the front door.
Chewbacca has had a more stable and productive life since the fall of the Empire. Again spurning notoriety, ‘Chewy’ chose to return to Kashyyyk where he learned English and trained to be a primary school teacher. In his spare time he took up the clarinet and wrote a semi-autobiographical novel, “I’m Really Not a Dog”. Today he lives comfortably in the suburbs with his wife and three puppi… erm children and regularly contributes to the ‘Past-Rebel Alliance’ newsletter.
And now, a brief update on a few others:-
C3-P0 – a loyal servant in President Skywalker’s cabinet as Justice secretary was unceremoniously ended once the universal banking crisis hit. In the dark days of recession C3-P0 was deemed a luxury item and melted down for scrap. Legend says that a part of him was used for the gold teeth of legendary Jazz musician Lando ‘Big King’ Calrissian.
R2-D2 – Everyone’s favourite droid carved out a successful career as a spaceship mechanic before entering a TV singing show, ‘The X-Wing Factor’ (i’m so sorry). Artoo eventually reached the final of the competition before being beaten by the Max Rebo Band. He now finds work as an extra on ‘Babylon 5′.
The Rebel Alliance – Obviously with the Empire gone, the Rebel Alliance sought out new battles. Ironically instrumental in the fall of President Skywalker’s presidency, the Rebel Alliance has since aligned itself with Unite Against Fascism and was recently protesting against the ‘White Hoth for Whites’ campaign.
There we have it, a small glimpse into the lives of heroes. Obviously there are many other stories to tell; Han and Lando’s ‘Lost Weekend’, Luke’s unsuccessful attempt to set up the “Darth Vader Academy for Dramatic Arts” and the total unexplained extinction of the Ewok race. That is for another time; right now it’s a New Year and what better time for us all to break out the Star Wars boxset and watch them all over again because as I think I have proved, George Lucas did it a whole lot better than I, or you, ever could. Oh and one more thing, because I know it’s what you want to hear; Jar Jar was found face down in a canal.
